Birdie Feelings :)

I have procrastinated teaching my birds feelings for solidly six months. It felt presumptuous - how can I tell them how they feel? I don't know what birdie feelings feel like. What if I mislabel their feelings, and confuse them? Finally - and this seemed worst - what if I create through language a narrative of their experience, and alter their experience, not for the better? Language is a powerful tool - we become the things we tell ourselves we are. Inner dialog is an extremely powerful tool; language shapes the context and interpretation of our experiences. It shapes us and creates and recreates us.

For instance, what if I say, "Ellie feels mad" when she's got slitty eyes and is shouting because she's been left behind in the bathroom? But she's not really mad? And now I've labeled something that isn't true - but as she learns what 'mad' means (in other contexts), it would become true, through verbal association?

I could have a cockatoo who isn't mad, but because I label the behavior in that and other situations, she adapts anger into that context.

So feeling labels seemed, to me, a scary thing--not just in complexity of teaching them, but in consequence, as well. I'm a very productive procrastinator, so we've learned a lot of other things instead!

Yet feelings are part of their lives. Every single day, Isabelle feels frightened at some point - she is a sensitive bird, and quick or sudden movements surprise and frighten her. Passing a formerly benign object can suddenly be a source of fear. Every night Ellie resists bedtime, and I have done everything I could think of to ease her nighttime discomfort - including a few times sleeping in their room, always responding to her nighttime calls to check on her, giving her treats and cuddles before bed. I even ask her if she wants to sleep with the light on or off. When scared from fireworks - she wants the lights on; otherwise she requests the lights to be turned off. There is some light in their room, always at night, from the outside lighting.

Emotions are part of their lives, and it seemed if they have the capacity for communication, NOT giving them the tools to label and express their emotions may be the greater cruelty.

So. Feelings.

I have lightly tried to create associations between my observations of their states and their possible feelings - capturing the 'feeling' state through context, not directly teaching them. It has been too inconsistent to really get anywhere. The other night I took a deep breath and decided to tackle it.

I began with vocabulary. Scientists have labeled five basic emotions: surprise, happy, sad, anger, afraid. (My labels: excited, happy, sad, mad, afraid.) So the birds learned the words - and they were both so excited to be working on a new and challenging project :)

My plan was to tell them my feeling states, to avoid the 'presumption' issue. I'd tell them how I felt under certain circumstance in their working and known vocabulary. Then I'd see if they could extrapolate from my feeling states and apply it to themselves.
Mom feels happy when Ellie and Mom outside.
Mom feels happy when Ellie and Mom eat pancakes.
Mom feels happy when Ellie and Mom learn.
Mom feels happy when Ellie and Mom read book.
Mom feels sad when Mom works too much.
Mom feels sad when Mom is gone.
Mom feels excited when Grandma visit.
etc.

After this exercise they could correctly identify my 'feeling' states. Their answers to their own feeling states under those conditions were getting there - but they were still confused. So, labels.

I decided I should try to label their feelings to give us all a starting point. Maybe I would be wrong in my interpretations - but it really did feel unfair to not teach them to express their feelings. We needed to start somewhere--I figured I'd do clear and obvious ones. I would tell them a vocabulary word that seemed correlated with a feeling state, and label it.

• When Ellie eats treat, Ellie is happy.
• When Ellie in shower, Ellie is happy.
• When Ellie outside, Ellie is happy.

The negative emotions were more complicated.

• When Mom gone, Ellie is sad. (Is Ellie sad? She is always withdrawn for a few days when I return from vacation. But who knows.)
• When Mom works too much, Ellie is sad. (Not just normal workdays - but super long ones, when she has babysitters play with her instead--and then is usually somewhat withdrawn again.) 

I still felt the language labels were imprecise, so thought I'd give her an example, and brought out my suitcase. "Mom gone," I said. "Ellie feels sad." And I held up the "sad" label.

I thought the pairing would be instructive--and after that, she clearly labeled happy, excited, and sad. That was enough for one lesson, and she got a jackpot of treats to cheer her back up :)

With Isabelle - who would be terrified of my suitcase - we worked on happy, excited, sad - all generally - and then I used afraid in context too - showing her from across the room an object that is mildly scary (a paper tube). We labeled the feelings - and she actually learned faster and with better accuracy than Ellie. We aren't done learning the labels - we need to clarify and sharpen them in context and in lessons, but some interesting things have come out of our feeling conversations.

For one, my birds don't like each other - which I already knew. But almost every day we sit together - one on my shoulder, the other on my lap, and I figured hanging out outweighed the dislike factor. But when I asked each of them, "How do you feel?" they both picked "sad". That was a surprise - so I separated them as we spend time together - and now they both tell me they are "happy" when we sit together.

Their labels are also very consistent. Perhaps the biggest surprise was a 'conversation' I had with Ellie before bed. I put her on the playstand in her room and asked, "How do you feel?" while holding up the "happy" and "sad" cards. Her feet were tense, her feathers flat, her eyes scanning sharply from place to place throughout the room, and she was stressed - as she often is at bedtime. She literally doesn't like bedtime, and I just can't figure out how to fix it, even after five years of trying.

She picked "sad".

Me: Do you feel sad, or afraid? (Holding up both cards)
Ellie: Afraid
Me: Do you feel afraid, or mad?
Ellie: Afraid.
Me: Do you feel afraid of Isabelle? (I sometimes wondered.)
Ellie: No.
Me: Do you feel afraid of the lightning? (I could see it in the distance - and so could she, through the window.)
Ellie: Yes.
Me, just to confirm: Do you feel afraid of Isabelle?
Ellie: No.
Me: Do you feel afraid of the lightning?
Ellie: Yes.

So I got a blanket and put it over the window, and then made a towel fort around a cage. She doesn't really go in there much, but I hid some treats. She looked at the curtain, and I labeled it, "Curtain" for her, and had her touch it. Then she hopped into the cage to look for treats (less stressed now), and ambled out to investigate the curtain again.
Me: Are you happy?
Ellie: Yes
Me: Are you afraid?
Ellie: Yes
Me: Which are you more? (holding up both)
Ellie: Happy.

And from my visual inspection, she seemed infinitely less stressed - her feet were no longer tense, her eyes were no longer scanning, and her feathers weren't flattened. She moseyed off to look for more treats, seeming content with the arrival of the curtain and the towel fort.

So - labels, I think, are improving their quality of life. But it's still strange and feels presumptuous (and a little scary) to teach feelings. It's not 100% there - and also seems like a ouija board, but... we're getting there! And if nothing comes of it - we're connecting, interacting, and spending time together, and there's no harm in that! :)

Here's a video of our feeling training session. After the tube - she really labeled her feelings so much better. (I feel so terrible for showing it to her, still! GAH!)